Inside the Head of the SmutQueen
by Scarlett Wilde
Summary: 2006 KAG et al. Pure crack. All the guys are using my brain as their playground.


Fandom: All of them

Fandom: All of them.  
Pairing: None.  
Rating: NC-17  
Disclaimer: I own diddlysquat, sorry!  
Summary: Sometimes, it's just a struggle to write.  
Feedback: as always, yes please, but any nits and shreds by PM only thanks  
Written: 2006

_(This is what happens when I can't sleep)_  
_I need to say a thank you to LouRose for looking it over for me_ :hugs

Rachel sat staring at the blank sheet of Microsoft Word paper. The words would not magically appear and she was starting to get mad, to lose patience with herself. It wasn't for lack of things to write, oh no, she had plenty of those – no, it was more a case of where to start.

Should she write about Taylor, maybe discovering his softer side while working for the mafia? Nah, done that many times already. I know, what about writing about Riddick – could be fun, but NO JACK!! There are limits! Nah, everyone's writing Riddick fics at the moment. Maybe she should slash Dom again, cos that had been great fun and had come out surprisingly well. Hummm, no, maybe not. Xander. He was always fun to write about, he was so naughty. _Yeah, that's it,_ she thought. Finish the Xander fic she's started.

Rachel stared some more at the screen, waiting for the magic words to materialize on the paper. Still nothing. Coffee. Yeah, that would be good. Coffee always helps with concentration. She got up, went through to the kitchen, and made a strong cup of coffee. Cookies. Can't have coffee without cookies. She looked forlornly at the washing machine and the full laundry basket and made a start separating the washing while she waited for the kettle to boil.

Oh yes, what if she wrote a fic where the handsome Chris Varrick ran into a waitress at a coffee shop just as she was about to close for the night, and they ended up having lurid sex on the counter? Could that work? It was a possibility…

In the writing part of Rachel's brain, the various characters' she liked to write about stirred. Was it even possible that Rachel was having problems getting her thoughts out? Nah, the guys couldn't believe that, after all they knew the ideas she carried around with her all day, and especially at night.

Chris perked up when he heard his name in her thoughts. She was going to write a lurid smut-fic about him? Wow, only in his dreams…Riddick slapped him on the back in a congratulatory way.

"Gonna get smutted boy, you ready for that?" Riddick chuckled evilly. He'd been smutted a couple times (Ok, many, many times), especially for her friend Fry. Now it was all graphic, gory rape fics…Riddick shuddered. He knew he had a reputation as a convict and murderer but hell, what was the world coming to when women enjoyed that kinda shit?

"I don't know," Chris admitted. "Do I need to take any precautions?"

The other guys roared with laughter. "You're a funny guy, Chris. This is ficland buddy. You only knock a girl up if that's what she writes for you," Taylor's smooth velvet voice filled the void.

Chris's eyes widened and his skin went a virulent pink shade, "I didn't mean that kinda precautions. I meant, should I prepare myself for anything?"

"What, like pop down to the brain chemist and pick up a pack of imaginary condoms?" Xander smirked. He had no worries, he was always prepared. In every way. He knew Rachel was half way through writing him another adventure with the luscious NSA Agent, Arianne Spinelli.

"Very funny, Dead-X," Chris groaned.

"Come on guys, get serious. Rachel needs us to inspire her…give her ideas to work with. So lets get our heads together and think," Adrian offered.

"Oh listen to goody-two-shoes," Taylor scowled. He was pissed off at the best of times but he was especially pissed off with Adrian. "You know she's only writin' ya cos she has to. I'm her muse, well, her main muse anyway. It's me she dreams about most often…"

"Fuck off Taylor, check the attitude," Adrian stood up to square off Taylor. "I know you don't like me but seriously, this won't help her, you know." Everyone knew Adrian was happy that he being written about again as Rachel's partner in the new Spy Chix action spy story.

Taylor thumped his fist into the palm of his other hand and stared at Adrian. He knew Rachel considered him her sole property and while he was in her head, he was happy about that fact. She always gave him a happy ending and all that romantic stuff girls liked. He always got the hottest smut scenes, he grinned to himself thinking about the one where he had her pinned to the wall, groins pressed together at the height of passion

Dom, so far, had remained unusually quiet. He was quiet happy to stay out of this one. Rachel had been halfway through writing a nice romantic love story for him when she had been surfing the net and found a video that had inspired her to pen her first ever slash fic. He still trembled with fear at the thought of butt-fucking Brian. Nah, he was staying out of this one, lest he draws Rachel's attention to him again and she had him butt-fucking Vince or Leon. He mostly considered himself lucky that Brian hadn't butt-fucked him.

Riddick sat chuckling to himself in the corner. He liked nothing more to watch the guys try and sort themselves out to inspire her. It got downright comical at times. He also knew Rachel was incredibly disheartened lately with fics. It wasn't that she didn't like writing anymore – he knew that was one thing she liked to do more than anything, apart from, well, smutting. He smirked again at the thought of the dream she had had the night before.

Sean and Shane came into the writing room at the same time and saw the looks the muses were wearing and wondered what the heck was going on. They were two of the lesser used characters Rachel wrote about so they generally came and went as they pleased. Sean knew Rachel's opinion of him was not the best and Shane equally knew she hated The Pacifier and saw him as a joke. They both knew it wasn't them personally, just the films they had starred in…no inspiration for her.

"You know, we could approach this like a military operation if we really want to inspire her to write a cracking story," Shane suggested logically. "We could team off into pairs and see what we can come up with."

Dom swallowed hard, he didn't like the way this conversation was going. He knew he was gonna get butt-fucked again if he wasn't careful. Making the decision to quietly head back to his private space, he stood up and inched towards the exit Shane spotted him.

"Hey Dom, you can partner up with X." Dom sat down, well, shrank down into his chair. "I'll go with Sean, if that's ok bud?" Sean nodded in agreement. "Ok, then. Taylor, you go with Adrian and Riddick, well…you get to go brood with ChrissyBoy. Right, your mission is to do or find something to inspire Rachel to write."

Taylor growled low and deep, and very unmistakably, "I ain't going with him!" Taylor pointed at Adrian.

"Look, it's just to help Rachel, Taylor…I'm not asking you to be buddies or anything." But Shane was talking to Taylor's back as he walked out of the exit. "Well, then Adrian, I guess you get to think by yourself. Ok, guys, sit down and get thinking. Oh and remember, no rape stuff. You can slash, smut and whatever but don't give her a heart attack and get all gory and violent…we don't want any injuries in the muses rooms."

Riddick grinned and sat down with his pad and pencil, after he'd snatched them from Chris's hand. WTF?? He frowned at the paper. "Where the fuck did you get this from, Boy??" He held up the pink pad with faint flowers down the side.

"It was lying around on her desk, I just picked it up…it ain't mine!" Chris defended his actions – you don't get to be a millionaire by buying your own shit.

"Yeah, right. If you say so, Pansy Ass." Riddick smirked, his eyes hidden by the black goggles.

"Fuck off Riddick, or I'll let Toombs know where you are hiding…" Riddick jumped out of his chair and was reaching across the table to grab Chris when Sean stepped in.

"Cool it guys, you'll get the poor girl stressed again and then she'll start spouting out gory violent fics. Sit your asses back down and get thinking…and why Boy did you pick up the fucking flowery pad? Why didn't you pick up the blue one with the drunk cows on? At least that one was funny." Sean's air of authority made Chris feel like he was in the Police station again.

"I dunno. It was on the desk while she was writing that new Vamp fic…" Chris was cut off by Taylor walking back in the room.

"She wrote a what?" Taylor growled.

"A vamp fic. She already posted the first chapter on the board..." Chris explained.

"I gotta check that out," Riddick chuckled. "Smutty Vampires…that's gotta be fun!"

They were all intrigued to read this new Vamp fic and all leaned over to see the computer as Rachel typed away at chapter three.

"You know what guys, maybe she's outgrown us," Xander whispered.

"Nah, she'll always need us," whispered Adrian.

"She just needs a break," Taylor muttered. "At least from you lot!"

"Whose turn is it to make the tea?" asked Dom, when it became obvious all Rachel needed was a change of scenery.

"Fuck Dom! That's so gay!!" Riddick roared with laughter and they all drifted away to their own private chambers of Rachel's head for a good old rest.


End file.
